Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
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Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Smile they said.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
umm…
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa