*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
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WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
we all know this pain all too well
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.