If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
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Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!