Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
You Might Also Like
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.