I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
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Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.