I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
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Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.