Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
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Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Everything reminds me of my ex
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
A dad and his duck
Why is everyone getting married at me
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend