Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
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Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
💁🏻♂️
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.