A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
You Might Also Like
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”