The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
You Might Also Like
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
still the best tweet of the year by far
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Become a minion. Get that bread.