Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
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Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I would move hell over six inches for you
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.