saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
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If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Just me and my debit card against the world
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
There’s never enough good news
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/