I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
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I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
We are the people our parents warned us about.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an