I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
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Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
can you read it!!??
maan!
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own