The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
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The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
sliding into dms like
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”