and this one
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[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Don’t tell me what to do
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.