I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
You Might Also Like
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
i wish i could marry a nap
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks