[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
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Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.