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Just in case to be clear #gbbo
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners