Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
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Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.