[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
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just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Happy Caturday!
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.