Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
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Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.