Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
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I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Note to self: always read the final line
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Worlds greatest photobomb
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.