grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
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Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
a lot to unpack here
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
12653.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
then why did i get this email
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?