[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
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My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
when you are just born a rebel
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.