DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
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[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha