[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
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[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I wish I could veto my bills.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Some people were born into their job.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles