I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
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What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card