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I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?