me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
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My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]