Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
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Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?