wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
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How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Teach your children to beatbox
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL: