CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
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I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
he looks great for his age
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
What
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him