7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
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talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Do not go gentle into that good night,
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*