Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day