I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
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The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.