“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
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Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??