Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
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[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory