*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
You Might Also Like
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Nice try, poison.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on