Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
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My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.