I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
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Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.