If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
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This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Worst bar ever.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.