I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
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Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.