I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
You Might Also Like
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”