So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
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Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
me, too, girl. me, too.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence