“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
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a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Well, this certainly took a turn
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Sticker placement is key.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Just a phase…
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.