I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
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u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*