Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
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my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me