When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.