Every time.
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Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like